He thinks he understands the assignment

This is how I imagine men on dating apps understand the assignment:

  • Contact a woman – usually a simple “hi” or “hey beautiful” will be enough to make them want to message me back because I’m clearly what she’s looking for and/or the best offer she’s going to get. Caveat – if I copy and paste a prepared, generic but appropriately “interested” message, she’ll never know I’ve sent this same message to approximately 47 other women.
  • When said woman replies, shower her with compliments about her eyes, her figure, her smile, her general appearance. I mean, it’s obvious what she looks like from the 16 photos she has posted on her profile, but I’m going to ask if she has any more. I think she’ll like that.
  • Ask the requisite questions: what part of the city are you in? Do you live alone or with family? (this is of course, to determine how convenient it will be to go to your place all the time). Do you have kids? (even though this one is almost always answered in the mandatory profile details). When was your last relationship? What do you like to do for fun? Oh, and maybe ask what you do for work, but only if you ask me first. I don’t actually care nor am I interested in what you do for a living.
  • Keep complimenting her on her appearance because I know that’s what women in their 30s and 40s really appreciate; they don’t need me to be genuinely interested in who they are as a human person. Make benign small talk, seemingly letting her “get to know” me without really telling her anything of substance, all the while redirecting the conversation back to her – this makes her think I’m interested.
  • Once an acceptable number of messages have been exchanged on the app, suggest we take the chat to texting or WhatsApp.
  • Once chatting via text, try to be flirty, maybe mentioning something about a sexy image I have of her now that I’ve “known” her for a few hours/days. Obviously, we’re at the stage now where I can start calling her “baby” and “sweetie” and build up that false sense of intimacy so I can get what I want faster.
  • Nail down a first date – drinks is usually a good one to suggest. Continue chatting everyday, making sure to send the ever-important good morning and goodnight texts – women love that.
  • On the date, be friendly and ask lots of questions – this way she’ll feel like I’m interested in her life and stuff. Try to maintain an air of cool without being too aloof. Try to make physical contact as much as possible so she knows I’m attracted to her. Goal: get invited in at the end of the night.
  • Once I’m in her home and after I’ve put in the obligatory amount of time tricking her into feeling comfortable with some touching and maybe some groping, it’s time to go in for a kiss.
  • During the make-out session ignore all her body language and just keep escalating the heat. She won’t want to seem like a prude, so she’ll go along with it, even if she doesn’t really want to. Forget everything I’ve ever learned about enthusiastic consent – I mean, we’re adults, right? This is what dating apps are for, she must know this. She obviously knows that this is what was going to happen. Duh.
  • Once I’ve gotten her at least partially out of her clothes, just go for it. Don’t bother with a condom, she’s probably on the pill. Also, just put her in the position I like, it doesn’t matter if she likes it ‘cause sex is just sex, and since I probably don’t intend on seeing her again, I want to make sure that I enjoy it. I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass about her enjoyment…she knew what she was getting into. She’s probably never been raped or anything, so I can just do what I want, and she won’t get upset or triggered. God, like what’s the big deal, ya know? It’s just sex. And we’re adults.
  • When she stops me after a few pumps, act confused and offended. She’ll probably go to the bathroom to pull herself together. When she comes back, ask her if she’s OK – you have to establish that you care about her (even though you don’t, not really).
  • Somehow, during the ensuing conversation, twist things around so that she ends up apologizing to me – for being uptight, for leading me on, for giving me the “wrong” idea, etc. Generally, try to make her feel like a fool and that her (obvious) issues with “intimacy” are preventing her from having a good time with me. I’m not a monster! I’m a good guy!!! I think she’s attractive and I just want to fuck her to satisfy my sexual needs and up my body count be close to her.  
  • Tell her that I appreciate her feelings about sex on the first date and blow it off like it’s all good. She’ll feel bad and maybe a little silly or stupid. That’s all good – I know I’ll be able to seal the deal next time.
  • Continue to talk and see each other for a few weeks. Evade revealing any real information about my life and my emotional maturity/availability and for the love of all that’s holy, avoid answering any direct (or roundabout, for that matter) questions about me or my family, my actual relationship status, or my living situation, etc. If she knew that I’m living with my ex or have a couple of roommates, that will scare her away. I need her to believe I’m a self-sufficient, financially, and emotionally stable man with my shit together. I mean, I will be…eventually – obvi.
  • When she inevitably asks if I’m talking to or seeing anyone else, say no, even though I absolutely have 3-5 women I’m juggling. Of course, I’m just testing them all out, waiting to see which one is going to give it up with the least amount of hassle  I like the most.
  • After a few dates, stop asking her to hang/go out. Avoid making any kind of plans to see her at all. Eventually, she’ll ask me to do something – I just tell her that it’s a really busy weekend, but I’ll definitely try to figure something out.
  • Stop all communication. Ignore her texts, don’t reach out, don’t express to her in any discernable way that I just don’t want to see her anymore. I don’t have to have a real reason for this, but most likely it’s because she’s just too much for me – she feels too much, expects too much, asks for too much. For the uninitiated, this is called ghosting. I will ghost the shit out of her. If she calls me out on my bullshit, I just block her and never have to think about her again. She’ll get over it – this is what online dating is. Any fool knows that.
  • Move on to the next unsuspecting woman and wash, rinse, repeat.
  • Continue to absent myself of any self-awareness, accountability, or any understanding of my stunted emotional development because toxic masculinity has me by the balls. Of course, I want happiness, but I’m not willing to look inward and treat other humans with the basic decency they deserve. What can I say? Bitches be crazy!

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