Confessions of a girl in transition

I don’t know much about fung shui, and I’m not an interior decorator by any means, but I do think I have good taste when it comes to general aesthetics, clothes, style and colours (especially lipstick!). I must say, there is something to be said for creating a living space that is conducive to health and happiness. I didn’t quite realize this until recently.

I’m in the process of moving. It’s exhilarating and thrilling but it’s also exhausting and overwhelming. I think these are totally typical emotions for anyone moving. I read a statistic recently that moving is just as stressful as death and divorce! Well, that makes a lot of sense.

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For me, this move is very important. I keep using the phrase “game changer” or “just the change I need” or “a very welcome change” and those are all true. Of course. But, it’s more than that for me. Without putting too fine a point on it, I think this move is both life-changing for me, and also life-saving.

As I’ve shared before, I’ve been struggling with depression and hypothyroidism. This is all new to me. But, like every challenge I have faced in my life, I’m tackling it head-on. Or, rather I’m doing my best to confront it and manage it. I’m very good at that. If you give me a challenge, I’m going to meet it head on and succeed. At least that’s always been my M.O.

I’m seeing my family doctor and am taking medication for my thyroid, as well as an anti-depressant. I’m seeing a therapist, and just recently began working with a naturopath to support my thyroid health, help with my headaches and migraines and basically help heal my body. This is all very positive, and I know it’s all helping. I’m feeling better, more like myself, I have more energy, I’m happier, and a little bit more in control of my life.

But, as with everything, there are ebbs and flows, and the stress of this move, the logistics of it, the timing of it, in addition to all the organizational changes going on at work right now, the fact that I’ve been hemorrhaging money lately and have been essentially a zombie, is wearing on me.

I was at my old place last night to clean and put out the 4,000 bags of garbage I had accumulated in purging. It was hot, it was the end of a long day, I didn’t want to go in the first place and I was headachey from the cleaning fumes.

I had a meltdown, guys. I cried, I maybe threw some things, I screamed and swore a little bit. I cursed my old landlord (f-ing bastard), I cursed the place itself, its bad energy, the shitty situation that I had allowed myself to endure for far too long. I cursed myself for being so blind to how sick I’ve been, how long I had been living in darkness and didn’t realize it. I know that sounds impossible, like how could a person be so unhappy, so unhealthy, so outside of themselves and not realize it? That’s depression. I guess. I’m learning too.

There was a point when I just didn’t want to go on. I sat down in my chair in my old, dusty, bleak living room, and just wept. I just wanted to transport myself to my new place, I wanted to go home. But even that is up in the air because there’s a problem with the lease and the property management company that I’m still working through. I’m in a state of limbo, I’m not settled, I can’t quite get my bearings. I’ve had two migraines in the last two weeks. That is unusual. I mean, I’ve always suffered migraines and headaches, but they’re usually not that frequent. I think it’s the stress.

So, this week has not been stellar. I can feel myself slipping. But I don’t want to! I want to continue to feel better and make progress. I also want everything with my lease to be settled and finally, fully move into my new, beautiful, spacious, light-filled, clean and stylish apartment. But, we can’t always get what we want, right?

Over the course of this week, I’ve been slowly chipping away at emptying boxes and finding a home for all my belongings in my new place. Josh and James were over on Sunday and they put my new bookshelves together for me. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising because I’m a book nerd, but as soon as those babies were up, and I started to unearth my books from their boxes, I felt a wave of comfort. I’ve been taking my time filling the shelves with all my book-babies, carefully arranging and rearranging them, making it just so. Last night when I finally got home and after I had a hot shower to rinse off the day, I sat in my new chair and just looked at my glorious books, nestled in their new cases, and I felt calm.

Ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows.